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My Watch Reminds Me To Breathe

Okay, okay! I have been rubbish this year with writing. Life has got in the way. This is so annoying for me to admit because my one special word for 2017 was BREATHE and I don’t think I have had the time to do that. Even my apple watch reminds me to breathe. I’m not kidding.

Emma Collins Twitter

So my blog… I have lots to write about.

My new house

My kids being haemophilia carriers

My mental health

My life

My work

My weight

Well, there’s plenty. I need to write to literally brain dump my overthinking and craziness.

Let’s start with an update on my little family. Matilda has just turned 4. It’s so strange that she is 4 years old. I saw a reception teacher in Brantano after school today (kids moaning that they need new school shoes and as they are closing down and had 40% off I thought i would put an end to the morning moans) and this teacher and i chatted about when my eldest Nevie started school, Matilda was a 4 month old baby in the pram. I remember that feeling when i had to take all three kids to Nevies ‘meet the teacher’ afternoon’ because i had no childcare and i felt like the worn out, mad mum trying to kep my shit together.  One needing a feed, one wanting to play and the other wanting to be grown up, all whilst trying to take the information in from the new teacher who was about to start teaching my first born. Oh and she has just learned to ride her bike without stabilisers. As determined as her biggest sister was at that age.

Myla currently has an insanely wobbly tooth, so wobbly that she is too scared to eat or drink water which saw her throw herself on my kitchen floor this morning, taking off her clothes in a panic and screaming ‘mum i need ice NOW. I’m burning up. I’m sweating. I’m going to die of thirst mum’ whilst trying to stop the bleeding from her tooth as she had knocked it. She went white and told me she thought that she was going to pass out. This chick goes crazy on the first bit of blood and pain – honestly just like me.

Nevie is her usual unique self. A bull in a china shop. No emotions. No filter. To the point. In her own bubble. She came out of school today an emotional wreck. She is an ice maiden but today i witnessed my daughter cry proper tears after school begging me not to make her do after school netball as planned. I was glad. I have to hang around the school for an hour to wait for her as theres no point going home and i have my other kdis to look after so i can’t read a book, read a magazine, casually stroll around a few shops, go for a walk. Nope. An hour of moaning of hunger, tiredness (that’s not me by the way), so i gave her a hug, wiped her tears and skipped back to the car knowing that wine was closer than i thought.

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Me?  Well i’m glad you asked gorgeous readers. I have spent hours thinking that the freelance life isn’t for me. Nobody takes me seriously. No childcare, no office, no working printer (i am aware that i can go and buy another which i will be doing tomorrow), nobody to talk to, nobody to creative think with has all left me re-thinking my path. I have reflected and I have started leaving some clients. There’s a couple that i really don’t want to walk away from so I’m keeping them and working for them with my friend Jill, who gave me my first break into Marketing back in 2004. We have a great working relationship and so we decided to team up, offer a much better service using both our skills and we are amazing! Well soeone needs to say it!

I went cold turkey on my anti-depressants 9 weeks ago. I was warned not to do this, so naturally I did. I have been a little crazy through doing too much, not having any time out, running on nothing, worrying about everything and everyone, doubting myself, anxiety eating, anxiety drinking … BUT it’s not as bad as i imagined. There are days that i want to start taking the tablets again, where i want to walk and keep walking and there is no shame in wanting to do that but when i look at my friends they all seem to cope, they appear happy and content. They have the time to breathe. I’m not sure why I don’t but life seems good for them and they are not on tablets so i believe i need to re-train myself to SLOW DOWN and take a leaf from their book. I actually don’t know how to relax.

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Okay more next time folks… I have lunch boxes to make, washing to fold and work to do.

 

Emma x