Podcast 1 Mental health

My Very First Podcast

I have decided to test the water with my very first podcast. It’s basic. It’s just me chatting with no agenda, but I hope that this really takes off with all aspects of my life. From running my own business, to my personal life. I think it all matters. I think it’s good to share.

A huge thank you to Fearne Cotton for inspiring me.

Podcast 1 Mental health

Day 1 Of My 2018 365 day Journey

As I sit and type this post today, I am gazing out of my dining room window and looking out onto my back garden. It’s still. It’s covered in leaves but I was inspired to write a post because as I sit looking at all the brown and dark greens of the garden I can’t help but feel a little excited at the thought of all the beautiful colours that will start coming through my garden again. With the sound of rustling trees, squeaking guinea pigs (that I must clean out today!)  and a fresh breeze coming through the open window, I’m feeling content knowing that we are going to embark on a new journey, in a new year too. A new year, for me, always comes with a wishlist. I love stepping into a new year and thinking about what could happen over the next 12 months. I’m excited at the thought of growing again this year. I love to learn and I know that a new year will always see me grow that little bit more. A chance to develop in both confidence and knowledge.

My husband agreed to help me get better this year. I’m not visibly sick. This depression and anxiety keeps taking over and I have allowed it to. It makes me a nightmare to live with but luckily I have a very understanding husband and my children don’t know any different. Keeping calm, focused and in control is the best way for me to manage it. My life gets over complicated and busy but that’s because I allow it too. My new word for 2018 is going to be NO (well in most situations). I promised myself that I would take a day off a week, so I can have a date with myself. It’s something I really need. I haven’t done this yet though. This is making me more poorly. I’m just one of those people that can’t cope with the stress of a busy week and I love having my own company to read a book, to write, to run, to walk, to shop, to clean. It’s so good for the soul.

I spent a year chasing after everything I didn’t need to, thinking it would make me better. I neglected something that I have done since 2005; blogging. I have blogged since 2005 and in 2017 I made myself too busy. This just made me worse. I missed blogging. I missed writing. I missed my little space on the internet and the blogging community.

I guess with being a business owner, I need to be more professional and not open up, but that’s just not me. I’m human. I’m honest and loyal and I wear my heart on my sleeve. That’s just me. There’s no point in pretending i’m someone i’m not. I’m ME. I’m passionate about what I do for a living and I’m passionate about having my own company. It has been a dream for so long now, Just like my business, I couldn’t walk away from blogging.

I have set the same promise to myself that I always do, and usually every year it happens. Yep! Weightloss. Every year I do this and feel better and then i’m always ready to add on the pounds over December. It just didn’t happen in 2017. The anxiety took over and I turned to food and wine for comfort. This has always been a ‘thing’ but never as bad as it got in 2017. I’m not an alcoholic by the way but I did end up drinking most evenings and quickly too so I would feel that rush of being care free and the happy Emma. I would justify the calories by running. It doesn’t work like that and do you know what? It added to the anxiety and made me even more miserable!

I was also thinking about how much I love being in my garden and how very little I actually go out there and potter or sit. It’s one of those things that I just don’t have time for but when I do, I feel happy and calm. I’m a sucker for nature I guess. It makes me feel amazing. If you look my business name – Blossom Lane Marketing, you can see what inspired the name!

So there we go, day 1 of 365 days in 2018. It’s time to make me better.

Emma x

 

 

 

Podcast 1 Mental health

Could I Study Nutrition and Fitness?

A thought came to me today whilst I was working out in the gym (I soooo had to gloat because it’s Saturday!), and it may sound so crazy but I really would love to study nutrition and fitness and then use my knowledge to work with those who suffer depression. For me, the gym, family bike rides, eating well and running plays a huge part in my mental state. It really helps. I would love to know more. I would love to study it and read about it and write about it. I am a people person so I would love to do public speaking on the issue and help people.

Emma Collins Twitter

Could this actually happen?

Oh wow I feel emotional just thinking about this. I’m excited. I’m actually experiencing butterflies in my tummy!

I set up a running group on Facebook thinking only a few friends would join but i have over 2.5k members – there’s clearly a market for me.

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I remember when i was so low that I didn’t want to exist and my health visitor asked if i wanted counselling – no way! She asked if I wanted gym membership – I don’t need to work out! She asked if I wanted pills – say whaaaat? However, if there were more people like me talking honestly about feeling so low that you think your kids would be happier without you around then I would say YES TO THE HELP. Gym for sure. C25K for sure. Build a community around you. Build each other up. High five. Fist pump. Try something new. Challenge yourself.

It can be the little things – and honest to god i know.

I’m actually excited about this idea. I would love to get out to schools and tell them how amazing it is to exercise – even if it means getting out with Pokemon Go. That fresh air, the smiles, the giggles, the bonding with those who go out with you. National Trust, the local heath, the local park. get a dog, get a bike, get outside!

my three girls

Podcast 1 Mental health

My Watch Reminds Me To Breathe

Okay, okay! I have been rubbish this year with writing. Life has got in the way. This is so annoying for me to admit because my one special word for 2017 was BREATHE and I don’t think I have had the time to do that. Even my apple watch reminds me to breathe. I’m not kidding.

Emma Collins Twitter

So my blog… I have lots to write about.

My new house

My kids being haemophilia carriers

My mental health

My life

My work

My weight

Well, there’s plenty. I need to write to literally brain dump my overthinking and craziness.

Let’s start with an update on my little family. Matilda has just turned 4. It’s so strange that she is 4 years old. I saw a reception teacher in Brantano after school today (kids moaning that they need new school shoes and as they are closing down and had 40% off I thought i would put an end to the morning moans) and this teacher and i chatted about when my eldest Nevie started school, Matilda was a 4 month old baby in the pram. I remember that feeling when i had to take all three kids to Nevies ‘meet the teacher’ afternoon’ because i had no childcare and i felt like the worn out, mad mum trying to kep my shit together.  One needing a feed, one wanting to play and the other wanting to be grown up, all whilst trying to take the information in from the new teacher who was about to start teaching my first born. Oh and she has just learned to ride her bike without stabilisers. As determined as her biggest sister was at that age.

Myla currently has an insanely wobbly tooth, so wobbly that she is too scared to eat or drink water which saw her throw herself on my kitchen floor this morning, taking off her clothes in a panic and screaming ‘mum i need ice NOW. I’m burning up. I’m sweating. I’m going to die of thirst mum’ whilst trying to stop the bleeding from her tooth as she had knocked it. She went white and told me she thought that she was going to pass out. This chick goes crazy on the first bit of blood and pain – honestly just like me.

Nevie is her usual unique self. A bull in a china shop. No emotions. No filter. To the point. In her own bubble. She came out of school today an emotional wreck. She is an ice maiden but today i witnessed my daughter cry proper tears after school begging me not to make her do after school netball as planned. I was glad. I have to hang around the school for an hour to wait for her as theres no point going home and i have my other kdis to look after so i can’t read a book, read a magazine, casually stroll around a few shops, go for a walk. Nope. An hour of moaning of hunger, tiredness (that’s not me by the way), so i gave her a hug, wiped her tears and skipped back to the car knowing that wine was closer than i thought.

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Me?  Well i’m glad you asked gorgeous readers. I have spent hours thinking that the freelance life isn’t for me. Nobody takes me seriously. No childcare, no office, no working printer (i am aware that i can go and buy another which i will be doing tomorrow), nobody to talk to, nobody to creative think with has all left me re-thinking my path. I have reflected and I have started leaving some clients. There’s a couple that i really don’t want to walk away from so I’m keeping them and working for them with my friend Jill, who gave me my first break into Marketing back in 2004. We have a great working relationship and so we decided to team up, offer a much better service using both our skills and we are amazing! Well soeone needs to say it!

I went cold turkey on my anti-depressants 9 weeks ago. I was warned not to do this, so naturally I did. I have been a little crazy through doing too much, not having any time out, running on nothing, worrying about everything and everyone, doubting myself, anxiety eating, anxiety drinking … BUT it’s not as bad as i imagined. There are days that i want to start taking the tablets again, where i want to walk and keep walking and there is no shame in wanting to do that but when i look at my friends they all seem to cope, they appear happy and content. They have the time to breathe. I’m not sure why I don’t but life seems good for them and they are not on tablets so i believe i need to re-train myself to SLOW DOWN and take a leaf from their book. I actually don’t know how to relax.

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Okay more next time folks… I have lunch boxes to make, washing to fold and work to do.

 

Emma x